Bumper Stickers & One-liners

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.

Old Skiers Never Die. They Just Go Downhill.

Money Isn't Everything, but It Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch.

If You Love Jesus Tithe -- Any Fool Can Honk.

Black Holes Suck.

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition!

Very Funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over it.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Forget about world peace...visualize using your turn signal.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honour student but you're still an idiot.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!"... Till you can find a rock.

I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog....Dorothy.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.