An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

BREAST IS BEST

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool promenade one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother. "That's what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that"
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The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast".

The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused, panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?"

Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farley’s Rusks"

AND GOD CREATED THE EMERALD ISLE

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?".

God let out a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I'm after making." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

God replied, "It's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south."

And then the archangel said, "And what's that green dot there?" And God said "Ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth: beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line."

"These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"

DIVORCE IRISH STYLE

“Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?,” the solicitor questioned his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?” “Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O'Connor.

”Sure now, we only have a carport.” The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?” “No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled, “I'm always first out of bed.”

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?” “Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.”

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. “What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.” "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.”

”Mrs. O'Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”

”Ah, well now, said the lady, sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.”

PADDY'S DAMAGED FOOT

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. "Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"

"But about your foot.....?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug.

"The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."

"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently. "Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

GULF WAR HERO

It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red Adair'. Red Adair was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red Adair told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.

The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000.”Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.

The Arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red haired Paddies comes roaring over the sand dunes and head straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their denim jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddies walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!"

The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I’m going to buy is a set of brakes for that fucking truck!"