Two older men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves, it'll get hard." He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but me?"

RECTAL GLAUCOMA

One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss. The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

HOW OLD

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your figure, 25." "Oh, you're so sweet!" the wife said. "Well, hang on," said the husband, "I'm not done adding it up yet."

CATTLE

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together.

LOTTERY

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays, "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!" But lottery night again comes and goes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again Brandi prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order!" Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself. God says, "Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

STD

Q: Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?
A: Turns out he was just allergic to wool.

PAPAL AILMENT

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles, commonly referred to as "terminal blue balls." He said the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times. Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions." The cardinals were amazed. "What are the four conditions?" asked one of the cardinals. The Pope replied, "First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so if she somehow figures it out, she can tell no one." After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied, "Big tits!"

ZIPPERS

Q: What's the difference between a woman's zipper and a man's zipper?
A: When a woman unzips her pants, her brains don't fall out.

ABOUT TO JUMP

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me oral before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."

ONE DAY

Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."

CHAPPED LIPS

A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the rear. The bartender inside the saloon notices this interaction, and thinks it's a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink, the bartender asks, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?" The cowboy answers, "Chapped lips." "Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?" "No," says the cowboy, "But it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."