COFFEE:  A person who is coughed upon.

COLLEGE:  The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

COMMITTEE:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

CONTROL: (kon'-trol):  A short, ugly inmate.

COURTESY:  The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

DERANGE:  Where de buffalo roam.

DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work.

DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

DIVORCE:  Future tense of marriage.

DOCTOR:  A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

DUST:  Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS:  Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver.

Etc:  A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game.

EYEDROPPER: (i'-drop-ur):  A clumsy ophthalmologist.

EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.

FABLE:  A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FANCY RESTAURANT:  One that serves cold soup on purpose.

FATHER:  A banker provided by nature.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FLABBERGASTED:  Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

FULL NAME:  What you call your child when you're mad at him/her.

GOSSIP:  A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

GRANDMOTHER: A baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.

GRANDPARENTS:  The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

GROCERY LIST: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

HAIR DRESSER:  Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.

HEARSAY:  What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

HEROES (hee-rhos'):  What a guy in a boat does.

HINDSIGHT: What one experiences from changing too many diapers.

HORS D'OEUVRES:  A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

IMPREGNABLE:  A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT:  How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

INFLATION:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MISER:  A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.