What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

A boss is like a diaper. Always on your ass and constantly full of crap.

Infertility is inconceivable.

Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?

I like kids, but I can never finish a whole one.

Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.

The only problem with Baptists is they don't hold them under long enough.

All extremists should be shot.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely the first time.

Get your own bumper sticker and stop staring at mine.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

Penny for your thoughts. Twenty to act them out.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

My dog can lick anyone.

Beer. Teaching white people to dance since 1867.

How may I ignore you today?

I'm not a schizophrenic. And neither am I.

It's time to pull over and change the air in your head.

Veni, Vedi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.

Lead me not into temptation. I know my own way.

So, when's the wizard going to get back to you about that brain?